10 Things Your Pastor Wants to Tell You

Well, friends, we made it through my first year of seminary. There’s plenty more fun ahead, but I want to pause for a moment and mention a book I just finished. Apparently, I’m not the only heretic Baptist around, because Baptist minister Oliver “Buzz” Thomas has written 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can’t Because He Needs the Job). This book raises some of the same issues I’ve explored on this blog, so I found myself nodding in agreement a lot. Still, I do wonder about the title. If you’re an evangelical, does your minister really want to join Buzz in affirming that the Bible is fallible, or that many Christians have missed the boat on women's issues and homosexuality? Probably not. So, based on my clergy years, I made my own list of things your pastor wants to say. Here’s the top 10:

1. My goal in life is to figure out which one of you keeps writing anonymous sermon critiques on the Welcome Cards.


2. That’s real interesting about your “gifting.” But I still need someone to help in the dang nursery.


3. No, frankly, I don’t have time to hear your groundbreaking theory on the Pauline authorship of Hebrews.


4. I tell you what, let’s put your salary on a budget sheet, pass it around, and discuss it down to the nickel for two hours.


5. You can give me all 29 Tim LaHaye books, but I’m still not doing a series on “The End Times.”


6. Listen, I had 3 units of pastoral counseling in seminary, most of which I slept through. So let’s not count on saving your 4th marriage here.


7. Yes, I’m aware that my predecessor had “a real pastor’s heart,” but that in no way obligates me to visit your ornery Uncle Dwight in the rest home.


8. I understand that changing the order of the worship service for the first time since 1952 was upsetting to you, but Jesus doesn’t care.


9. Why can’t somebody else “ask the Lord’s blessing” on a church function once in a while? It’s not that hard, folks.


10. You don’t have to apologize for cursing around me; sometimes “sorry sack of #$%&” is the only way to say it.

Any pastors (or former pastors) out there are free to offer your own suggestions!